引きこもりになって人生リセット

コウタといいます。

 

実は引きこもりになり数年間、実家で世話になっていたことがあります。今、僕は40代です。

 

幼い頃からずっと父の仕事のため、海外で過ごしました。父は誰もが知る大企業の駐在員でした。

 

学生時代、僕は勉強ができたので、他の駐在員の日本人達からは「お宅のコウタ君は勉強が良くできて、素晴らしい」みたいな事を言われ続け、両親は鼻が高かったのを覚えています。

 

数カ国に在住し、どこの国でもけっこう多くの日本人が駐在していましたが、それでも日本人社会自体はどこでも狭く、初対面の挨拶では本人の名前よりも、“どこどこの会社のXXです。”と常に会社名重視の世界。子供達も“お父さんはどこの会社に勤めているの?”と聞くのが当たり前のような環境でした。

 

とにかく親の勤め先が有名企業なこと。子供が勉強できること。これらは重要なステイタスでした。

 

我が家はこのステイタスに十分に達していたので、我が家にとっては心地よい駐在生活だったと思います。

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やがて僕は日本の大学を受験し、トップの大学に入学しました。大学でも成績は常によく、僕も父とは異なる日本の一流企業に入社しました。

 

僕の人生が急変してしまったのは、僕が30代の時です。当時の部署は残業も多く、社内の人間関係もギスギスしていました。ストレスなど色々な要因が重なり、とうとう僕は会社に行くことができなくなりました。

 

今まで、挫折を経験したこともなく、勉強も仕事も精一杯に頑張ってきた僕は、魂の抜け殻のようになりました。同時に外に出るのが怖くなりました。

 

そうです。僕は引きこもりになったのです。それまで順調だった人生だったので、親も僕の状況にショックを受けていました。母の涙も見ました。申し訳なく肩身も狭く感じましたが、自分が食べていけないので、実家に世話になるしかありませんでした。

 

仕事をしなくてはと思う気持ちもあるのですが、どうしても体が動きませんでした。自分に対して情けなさを感じる日々で、毎日自分と格闘をしていました。

 

そんな生活を4年も続けてしまいました。途中からカウンセラーにも通い、やっと再就職の面接を受けることができました。就職した子会社ですが、ここの社長の甥っ子も僕と同じように引きこもりだったことがあるらしく、社長は僕に対して「とても真面目な人なんだ」と理解を示してくれました。感謝してもしきれません。

 
両親も年をとりましたし、結婚もして、できれば孫の顔を見せてあげたいと思っています。

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